My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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