bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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