Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
