i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
