she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
