i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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