I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
