Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
