I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I am midnight drunk by noon
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
It's official drugs can't kill me
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
