So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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