Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I looked at my own cervix.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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