My sheets look like a crime scene.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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