Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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