chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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