Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Randomize
