Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
