I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
