when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
