We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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