Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
