I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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