i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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