he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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