I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
