I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
