Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
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I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
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Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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