I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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