her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
