for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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