I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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