I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize