Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
