I could have mohawked her pubes.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
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Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
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I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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