So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Sorry my hands just texted you
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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