the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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