Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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