the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
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I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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