Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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