I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
