Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
