In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
