Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
