Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
