allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
