Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
