May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Come see our sink grown plant.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
