So drunk its hurt
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
