So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
