Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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