I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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