Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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