I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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