Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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