Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i dont even know how to be here
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
