I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
