did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize