I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
