I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Little spoons don't ask big questions
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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