i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
